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CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES WISELY

Turning 28, closing 30, I am reflecting upon the year that was. On my 27th Birthday, I decided to go through counseling, falling apart into pieces. It was difficult for me to even start talking about my issues. I often felt trapped in a world I don't understand, along with trying to do things that could make or break my life. Here I was, in the middle of a Thesis that needed to be completed in order to keep my status, spending all that money that I couldn't possibly pay back until I got a job. In the middle of all this, I started spending my days over analyzing about what went wrong in choosing the people in my life. I felt helpless to let go off things that I can't change.

In the end, it all boiled down to me realizing that it's only wise to chose what battles I wanted to fight and look the other way when it came to the rest of them. I didn't need to go down every path that has been laid in front of me, go down every emotion that has been thrown at me. I had to evaluate the need to jump into an argument that would cost me a relationship or keep a friendship at the cost of my self respect. Any peaceful meet and greet would turn into a heated argument about things that didn't really matter. The down side of this was, I didn't have enough energy to fight the battle that actually mattered.

1) Ego Satisfying

Before you get into any conflict, you need to ask yourself "is the situation so distressing that you need to address it?" Often, anger gets the best of us and we end up paying for it our entire lives. At the same time, not being confident about your thoughts can also stop you from arguing effectively over something that needs to be addressed. Indulging in arguments that have been taken to a tangent by you or the opposite side can be avoided. It's evident that the point of the debate is lost and now it's all about winning or losing with no rational thinking and lots of emotional ego boosting. A lot of these topics are so unrelated or trivial to your existence, that they are not even worth commenting over. If the brawl doesn't have a legit outcome and it's not going to bring any substantial improvement to an undesirable situation, then it's a waste of time.

2) Harboring Anger

The problem lies in harboring past anger and then picking on small things to release that anger rather than actually discussing what went wrong. We never sit and discuss the resentments as they are and that leads to all kinds of altercations. Do you fear the person doesn’t respect you? Do their actions seem to confirm your fear that you are somehow unworthy? Are you holding a grudge over something big that happened two years ago? Ask yourself if there’s a bigger conversation you need to have—something you need to say that you didn’t, or perhaps something you need to work out in your own head.
Once you release the weight of the big underlying issue, you won’t feel so angered by the little surface-level annoyances that occur in every relationship.

3) Idealized Idiosyncrasies  

Sometimes you have an idealized vision of what a relationship or a friendship looks like, so you fight whenever something doesn't fit that vision. Questioning yourself will draw the line between narcissism and empathy. Do not allow someone to treat you poorly, but at the same time keep in mind that the other person is Human and doing the best they can.  If the goal is to just express hate or hurt someone, then the argument is for all the wrong reasons.

4) Toxic Friendships/Relationships

I had a friend or two in the past with whom I shared a very toxic relation. They would get on my nerves on a daily basis for no good reason. A lot of these came from their insecurities colliding with my ego. The only thing you can do in such a case is, walk away. Give yourself space to take care of your mental, emotional and physical health, so that you don't feel drained to pursue your daily chores. Not every relationship is worth pursuing.

Changing your behavior and understanding others behavior requires effort and you will fail a lot, but eventually learn from experience. You will know when things are getting better and you are on the right track. Since, that's when you will be less stressed.

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