Monologues of a 30 minus something

I am aware that I have a body structure which is broader than the average population. And yet I don’t consider being broad as ugly. To add to that, I suffer from a condition called Hypothyroidism that instantly makes me prone to weight gain just by consuming air. Yet, even after all these things, I don’t feel fat unless someone points it out to me. The sad part is, if you tell a skinny girl that she looks fat, she too would start believing that she is fat. There have been so many instances when my thin friends told me they feel fat and it never even crossed their minds that their thoughts impact my thoughts. Regardless to mention, most of them would try to relate to me, tell me that they understand what I go through and how tough it is to lose weight. Sometimes it sounds less of a sympathy and more of a way for them to feel good about themselves by belittling me. I often feel in their heads they run the dialogue “At least I am not as fat as her”, every time they feel unattractive....

Turning 28, closing 30, I am reflecting upon the year that was. On my 27th Birthday, I decided to go through counseling, falling apart into pieces. It was difficult for me to even start talking about my issues. I often felt trapped in a world I don't understand, along with trying to do things that could make or break my life. Here I was, in the middle of a Thesis that needed to be completed in order to keep my status, spending all that money that I couldn't possibly pay back until I got a job. In the middle of all this, I started spending my days over analyzing about what went wrong in choosing the people in my life. I felt helpless to let go off things that I can't change. In the end, it all boiled down to me realizing that it's only wise to chose what battles I wanted to fight and look the other way when it came to the rest of them. I didn't need to go down every path that has been laid in front of me, go down every emotion that has been thrown at me. I had to ...

The first time I saw my period blood, I didn’t understand what it was. It looked like a dried brown muddy stain on my white bloomer. I had my sports day practice going on. I thought, probably it was stained by the wet mud from the ground. I knew periods was something that I should be expecting, since most of my friends had got theirs’ by then. But, I didn’t really care to know what to expect of it. I never had a discussion with my Mother about it. I just happened to see a pack of Whispers in her closet once and wondered what she would use it for. I knew from the advertisements that it was used for soaking some blue liquid. It didn’t look something of an interest to me. So I left it, believing that probably she also wanted to try and see what it’s used for, but poor Mom got fooled because we didn’t need it. We don’t use Neel . The day I got my periods, my mom gave me one of those liquid soaking pads. That’s when I understood what it was used for. While trying to figure out how...

Genetically, I have been blessed with a thick growth of hair. Just the placement of them went a little wrong. Instead of thick lush black hair on my head, I have thick black jungle on my legs. I didn’t know women needed to shave their body parts so that they don't repel men. I was in a convent school. I started off shaving my legs and hands when I was 14 and I didn't even understand why a naturally occurring process can be repulsive to somebody. Don't men get to choose whether they want to shave their beard or not. From the dreadful task of shaving every 2 weeks, also came the laziness of wearing skirts and shorts. I used to opt for long sleeves and jeans, only to delay the appointment with my razor for another week. Coming of age, I started getting attracted to guys in my class. I realized, in-order to gain the confidence to even go and talk to them, I need to feel confident inside out. Imagine my plight if the guy’s arms touched mine and he jumps off his seat...